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Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Read This Before You Start Living With A Man …

Before you start living with a man for any reason at all – marriage, cohabitation, roomies, pregnancy, friendship, whatever, there are a few things you should consider first:

1.  Will he finish a bottle of syrup in one week and make you buy a new one?
2.  Will he eat your sugar cookies?
3.  Will he steal the $31 you made from dancing at a Nigerian party while shaking what your mama gave you?
4.  Will he eat half his pasta and finish all the meatballs nonetheless?
5.  Will he pout when he's hungry?
6.  Will he use up all the strawberry spread in a couple of uses?
7.  Will he always leave his side of the bed and somehow end up sleeping on you – literally?
8.  Will he pour half the bottle of ketchup on the fries you're both supposed to share?
9.  Will he always turn the TV on in the bedroom, leave it on ESPN or Fox Sports, turn it up loud, and then go sit in the living room to watch the same channel?
10.  Will he always need to be served in a tray because he cannot eat in a plate without half the food ending up on the floor?
11.  Will he – during the winter – always complain of cold and set the thermostat to 88 degrees Fahrenheit in the house and make it impossible for you to blink without sweating? There are summer days that are cooler than the house.
12.  Will he steal four inches out of your side of the closet?
13.  Will he always complain of not finding something, although the something is literally right in front of him? Advil. Bread. Chicken.
14.  Will he go into the laundry basket and pull out his favorite shorts, even though you have thrown it in there for a reason: it's due to be washed?
15.  Will he constantly put his gym bag on the bed, even after constant yelling and reprimanding from you?
16.  Will he complain of being hungry, refuse everything you offer, and then, also refuse to come up with an alternative?
17.  Will he steal your Smirnoff?
18.  Will he continuously stare at himself in the mirror?
19.  Will he chance you in the bathroom and jump into the shower before you because he knows you still have to brush your teeth, wash your face, and wash your underwear?
20.  Will he fall asleep in the middle of every single movie, and then make you pay extra for the additional rental days?
These are very important questions that you should ask. Thank me later.

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